Thursday, August 4, 2011

I feel the need...the need for speed...(and nachos)

So in my last post, I talked about how I ran once in San Diego at the hotel, and then during the convention my friends totally abandoned me, allowing me to show off my massive and powerful (or powerfully massive, you choose) quads in a sprint to catch up to them. Which I did. Because I have massive and powerful (or powerfully massive, you choose) quads. Massive and powerful (powerfully massive) quads equals speed and strength.

Now, you may be asking, how can I, someone with tiny and weak (weakly tiny?) quads develop my quads into becoming massive and powerful (powerfully massive)?

The answer is simple. YOU CAN'T.

You must start at an early age! If you can read this post, then that means you can read, and are therefore too young to start this revolutionary new training program to help develop massive and powerful (powerfully massive) quads (apparently, I've also developed delusions of grandeur).

You see, I was lucky. I was always tubby, so my legs naturally had to carry more weight than everyone else, allowing for them to grow more massive and powerful (ok, this joke's getting old, I'll stop now) year after year.

I now submit to you, a true story: Back in high school, when I was a part of the football team, we were all stretching before practice. A friend of mine was going to help me stretch out my legs. Upon lifting one (just one!) of my legs, he let out an audible "huffghghfh" and angrily yelled, Damn, your legs must weight like 100 million lbs!" And he was pretty close. You see, having the naturally developed quads (and delusions of grandeur) that I have, they will naturally be heavier, due to the density of the muscles (and the delusions of grandeur).

And so, having these naturally massive and powerful quads (and by quads, I mean delusions of grandeur) allowed me to close a near impossible gap (it was about 2 city blocks) and reach my friends in time so that I too could get a gold bar (it was cardboard, and a promo for Cowboys and Aliens).

So in conclusion, I'm totally sure that all the cycling, running, and swimming I've been doing this year and the weight loss have had zero impact on my speed and strength. Because my quads are naturally like this.

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