Friday, May 13, 2011

Depression and Redemption

I wanted to write this post yesterday, but I didn't have the time.

Oh well.

Depression

So yesterday, I received some excellent news. One of my best friends, who is finishing his Master's degree this year, received word that he will be working for a university in Central California. I was excited and super happy for him, but once the rush of my best friend's good news ended, I started thinking about my own life.

My Checklist:
1) Been in college 7 years and I still haven't earned a degree.

2) Never completed a marathon (I had planned on doing one in 2008) and I'm still obese.

3) Don't have my private pilot's license (I started training in 2007)

4) I work at a job where I am fairly confident that I would not be considered for a promotion.

5) I am in debt.

I dwelled on my failings for a good while. I was not in a happy place. Unfortunately, this happens every now and then. It's like an evil epiphany. I suddenly realize, "WOW. I've let a lot of people down."

I then go through a list of the people I've let down. Once again, not in a happy place.

Redemption

Fortunately for me, the Mrs. knows when something is wrong. However, I, being the insecure schmuck that I am, denied everything.

Once again, fortunately for me, she knows when I am lying too.

Eventually, I told her. I wasn't depressed about my friend moving onto bigger/better things, I was depressed about my own indecisiveness and inability to do what I needed to get done.

She then proceeded to give me her checklist.

Her Checklist:
1) In the past 7 years, my personality has changed from that of mean jerk to that of someone she feels comfortable bringing to her friends and introducing to her co-workers. I've matured into someone she is proud to call her fiancee.

2) She pointed out that I've finally taken steps to ensure that when I lose the weight, it stays off. She is proud of me, and my weight loss encourages her to re-examine her own lifestyle choices so that she can enjoy successful weight loss and increased fitness.

3) I've passed the written test, and all I need to do is study for the practical exam and call my instructor to finish up. She is proud that I've passed the written test and knows that once I start seriously working on finishing up, I will do it.

4) I have a job. And it pays well. Very well. We have many friends who have college degrees, but don't have jobs.

5) I've made a plan so that everything will be paid off sooner rather than later.

She always knows how to make me feel better about myself.  Despite all my faults, she loves me anyway.

Another Form of Redemption

Since today I was going to go hiking again, I needed to get my clothes ready last night. Since it was recommended to me to wear long-sleeve shirts when ticks are out and about, I had decided to wear one. Problem was, the only long-sleeve shirts I had were thick and warm, intended for the colder months. Damn.

Then, it hit me: jerseys.

A few years ago, my parents had given me a XXL soccer jersey of the Ecuadorian national team. I tried it on then, and it didn't fit. Feeling defeated by a piece of cloth, it stayed in my closet ever since. Last night, I took it out, thought thin thoughts, and tried it on.

Jeebus, it actually fit. And it felt GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Yeah, I was going to be okay.

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